“She was asking for it!” You defend.
All of the girls in the room give you disgusted looks.
“What I mean is, she said ‘no’, but she really meant ‘yes’.”
“Benefactor, you’re not really helping your case…” Pocahontas gives a wry smile.
“You don’t get it, she provoked me!”
“Tsk…” One of the guards makes a vexed noise. “What other male excuses are you going to make? That because she was sexually excited, it’s okay?”
“That her body was just begging for it?”
“You disgust me!” The girls pick up their poor Matriarch and take her away while shooting you hateful glares. “Your crimes don’t even need sentencing! You’re guilty!”
“Guilty of what?”
“Being a man! Arrest him!”
You’re dragged out of the room as more and more dark elves show up.
“Please, Benefactor, although this is bad, please do not take vengeance on my tribe. Your actions have spread throughout the entire tribe. Do not forget your purpose was to make an alliance with them in order to help you battle the Demon Lords.”
“Oh, yeah… I do vaguely remember something plot related about that. So, you’re saying I can’t just take horrible vengeance on them all?”
“No, Benefactor, while they are misguided, we must find another ways.”
“So, how about I just brain frag them into mindless drones.”
“This is an entire race of sentient beings, are you a monster?”
“How about if I just repeatedly rape the entire tribe into submission?”
“By Pun, is benefactor actually a psychopath?” Pocahontas cries. “Can we please resolve this in a way that doesn’t make you look like a sociopathic war criminal?”
“Hey, if I don’t mention them first, I’ll have to hear about it in the comments section. They’ll be like ‘Oh, why don’t you just commit genocide. Genocide solves EVERYTHING!’. Fuck… just thinking about it makes me depressed. I need a drink.”
“No, time, Benefactor. We’re here!”
“Eh? Where is here?” You look around, realizing you are now standing in a dark room in front of a small table.
Suddenly, there is the banging of a mallet on wood.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
The lights spring on, and you cover your eyes until you can focus on the room around you. It’s a room full of people, and the talk springs up as the lights turn on. You realize that you are now standing in the middle of a courtroom. Behind you are rows of seats, filled with dark elf spectators. In front of you is a judge’s desk, the stands, and all the other trademarks of a courtroom.
“Now, proceeding over the case, Douchebag Molester Hero Versus The Poor Defenseless Dark Elves is the impartial and unbiased Judge, Dyke ManHater!” Someone announces.
A woman who looks more like a dude walks up behind the judge podium. As soon as her eyes fall on you, the seething hatred and disgust show from them clearly. You gulp as she watches you hatefully.
“Kill the man!”
Die! Die! Die!”
The judge reaches her seat and sits down, hitting her mallet to quiet the crowd. “May I remind the Jury to hold your verdict until after the end of the trial?”
“Ahhhh…” The Jury who are screaming for your death all finally quiet up.
“However, it is of this judge’s opinion that you are on the right track. Good job!” She shoots them a thumbs up.
“Why do I feel like this judge is anything but impartial and unbiased?” You ask tearfully.
“Silence, Man! Or you’ll be held in contempt of the court!”
“It’s okay,” Pocahontas tries to comfort you. “They simply want to put you on trial. I think our chances are quite good.”
“Is there any way we can speed this along and hang him? We all know he’s guilty.” One of the jury speaks.
“Unfortunately, no… we sighed an agreement after the Salem Man Trials where we had to hold a full trial for any accusation. Regrettably, we must review all evidence and determine if this man shall be allowed to live.” Judge Dyke sighed. “You, man! Do you have representation?”
“He does, your honor!” Pocahontas says proudly.
“I do?” You ask.
“She was the only one who would take you!”
Steps started sounding as a woman in a full lawyer suit came into view. You immediately let out a cough.
Cinderella gives a nod. “Yes, Darling. One of the victims incorporated into my personality was a law magistrate. I’ve familiarized myself with dark elf law. I’ve come up with several possible strategies for defense.”
“Ah, okay… lay them on me.”
“Would Darling be okay claiming he’s homosexual for the next two to three decades.”
“Very well, would Darling be okay claiming impotence?”
“Pocahontas here just had my baby!”
“Just saying those three letters has cut my reader base by half.”
“Hmmm… this may be tricky, Darling.”
“Enough time to prepare!” The Dyke shouts. “Let’s get this farce of a trial underway.”
“At least they admit it…” you sigh.
“The prosecution, call your witnesses.”
You look over to see the Matriarch at the other table, clearly leading this case against you. She’s now also wearing a lawyer’s outfit. Why do Dark Elves in another world all have modern suits?”
“Yes, your honor,” The Matriarch stands up, “For our first witness, I’d like to call… Ariel Ramsey!”
“It appears like they are going to put your entire harem under oath.” Cinderella interprets.
“Oh… I’m so screwed!” You cry, your head falling on the table in defeat.